Optional Relationship = Optional Discipleship
We need to align our model with our teaching
Welcome to Part 9 of the weekly release of my book, Unless God Builds It: A Proposal to Radically Rethink the Church.
In the last post, we confronted the sobering reality that most of what we build in the name of the Church—the organizations, the buildings, the programs—will not survive the fire of God’s judgment. Only people will remain. We then explored what it truly means to “equip the saints,” and why running the soundboard or serving coffee shouldn’t be confused with the work of the ministry.
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In this post, we close out Chapter 2 with a look at why so many Christians are opting out of discipleship—and a direct challenge for leaders and laypeople alike to take ownership.
Optional Relationship, Optional Discipleship
I want for every Christian to understand that we cannot achieve the goal of Christianity apart from relationship. Without Christ-centered, Spirit-led relationships, there is no discipleship, no equipping of the saints, and no fulfilling your purpose on earth.
Please hear my heart as a local shepherd: I don’t care a whole lot about what you’re doing for “Grace Community Church.” I care about what you’re doing for specific people in that church. Do they experience the love of Christ through you—not in passing while you greet them at the door, but in life as you live it with them? I don’t care that you’re busying yourself with a bunch of Christian activities, nor that you spend much of your time with other Christians. I care that your ministry to the saints (and theirs to you) is mature, Spirit-led, and deeply transformative. I care that when you see one of your brothers and sisters sinning, you call them to repentance. I care that when they’re struggling with sin, trauma, or mental illness, you are equipped to lead them into the healing that only God provides. I care that when they don’t treat you like Christ, you continue being Christ to them, steadfast and immovable.
The truth is, I’ve never met a healthy Christian who didn’t have these kinds of relationships. In terms of spiritual growth, it is simply not optional, which I think is common knowledge among most pastors. Hence, the effort to drive church members into home groups, life groups, cell groups, mentor-mentee relationships, and things of that nature. (Moving forward, I’ll just refer to all of these as “small groups.”)
The problem is, no matter how strongly a church exhorts its members to pursue these kinds of relationships, no matter how strong its small-group ministry is, in nearly every case I’ve seen, it is still optional. Which means that discipleship is optional. Learning to love God’s people is optional. Building up the Body of Christ is optional. Walking in a manner worthy of your calling is optional. Well, friends—please allow me to lovingly remind you that, as far as God is concerned, these are not optional!
I don’t know of any church or any spiritual leader who would teach that discipleship is optional. But the system that they’re a part of, which allows someone’s church experience to be devoid of formative relationships, quietly undermines their ministry by teaching that discipleship is optional. When I was the Pastor of Adult Discipleship at my former church, I frequently taught from the pulpit on the importance of Christian community. I spoke of it as an absolute necessity in the spiritual life, and I worked really hard to get people into small groups. However, large portions of the congregation apparently had no problem ignoring my admonition, and some of those who received it were still unable to find a group to join.
There was a point when God began to show me that my words lacked some integrity. I taught that these relationships were necessary, but the system that I implicitly endorsed was teaching that they were merely optional. To continue being the leader that I felt God was calling me to be, I would need to align the model with what I believed and require every person in the community to join a small group (which I did not have the authority, nor the slightest clue, how to implement).
This was another strong conviction that led me to the house-church model. Discipleship should neither be optional for those who are inclined to avoid it, nor difficult to find for those inclined to seek it. With the house-church model, relationship is baked into the church experience. Discipleship is not only easily accessible but virtually unavoidable.
At the very least, coming to one of our gatherings requires that you go to someone’s house, meet people who will talk to you and ask you questions about yourself, and then sit in a circle for a couple of hours where you may be encouraged, prayed over, or asked your thoughts about something. Moreover, whatever you do or don’t do, whatever you say or don’t say, is seen and heard by everyone. There is no avoiding this reality within our church, so if you want to avoid it, then you must avoid our church.
And that’s just the baseline. Beyond what I’ve just mentioned, we also strive to pursue each other outside of the weekly gathering, speak truth into each other’s lives, correct one another when we see sin/immaturity, challenge each other’s ideas, and work through our disagreements. This means that we have hard conversations. It can, at times, make life very uncomfortable. But we each share the responsibility (and the privilege) of helping one another be conformed into the image of Christ, which is worth far more to us than comfort and ease.
We still have much room to grow in all of these things, so I’m not implying that we’re perfect by any means. I’m simply saying that the process of spiritual growth cannot be avoided in a community that functions like this, and that’s exactly how it should be.
Sometimes people leave our house church for a more traditional church setting because they feel they aren’t ready for the level of relational intimacy that we have in our church. My heart grieves over this because what I hear them really saying is, “I’m not ready for discipleship.” Of course, they don’t think of it this way. They rationally (though mistakenly) assume they’ll be discipled in a traditional church setting, but as long as they continue to avoid the rich experience of Christ-centered, Spirit-led relationships, they will continue to avoid discipleship no matter where they are.
It would be one thing if they were leaving our group to be close with another group of Christians—which I have no problem with—but that isn’t the case. They’re leaving people to go engage with programs. And each time this happens, I’m reminded of the painfully unfortunate reality that so many Christians—because they’re given the option—are opting out of discipleship, love, and service to the saints.
It’s Time to Take Ownership
There are two major implications that I hope you take away from all of this—one for church leaders and one for every Christian.
For my fellow church leaders, your Father knows your love for the sheep. He sees your labor. Without any shame or condemnation, can we admit that our sermons and small-group ministries aren’t cutting it? Can we acknowledge that there are still far too many Christians saying “no thanks” to discipleship like it’s some questionable seafood on a cheap cruise line? And do you believe that God has appointed and equipped you to do something about it? I do.
As the captain of your ship, you’ve been given the authority to enlist and train each crew member for service, and to create an environment where that is not only expected but required. There will be all sorts of excuses as to why a church can’t really require this, but they are all poor excuses. You can, and you must. It’s the weakest, most immature members who especially need you to stop treating them like customers and start treating them like the crew, apart from which you will be liable for their spiritual stagnancy. Let’s just consider the worst-case scenario for a moment: If your crew ends up throwing you overboard for merely insisting that you’re on a sailboat and not a cruise line, then so be it. But I believe for better things, for you and your church.
Every person in your care needs regular, close, Spirit-filled interaction with other believers, but the mere availability of it, along with the exhortation from the pulpit, still isn’t enough to lead many of them into it. The model itself is teaching them things that you aren’t teaching them. But if you seek the Lord in this matter, and earnestly wait on him for guidance, he will give you wisdom about what changes you should make. Whether it’s by modifying your current discipleship model or implementing a new one entirely, it will be right for your church because it will be from God.
If someone leaves one church and goes to another, we should all feel confident that they will be immediately immersed in community—again, not that they can be if they look for it, but that they will be, even if they’re inclined to isolate. There should be no concept of Christianity or “church” anywhere without face-to-face discipleship. Would you help me make that a reality?
And for every Christian—whatever kind of church you’re a part of, whatever role you have in it—it’s time to take ownership of others’ spiritual growth. It doesn’t matter how new you are to the faith. As a member of the Body, you serve an important function, and you’ll only find out what that is as you begin to love people and earnestly strive for their spiritual growth.
Start by praying for God to show you the specific Christians in your city whose spiritual growth you are especially responsible for (not that anyone is entirely responsible for someone else, but partially). Those people are called your church, and growing them up in Christ is your ministry. Learn how to serve them as Christ, how to pursue relationships with them as Christ, how to have spiritual conversations with them as Christ, how to pray and intercede for them as Christ, and how to lay down your life for them as Christ, that they may experience his eternal life in full. Make this your aim, rely fully on God to achieve it, and it will be your greatest accomplishment and joy.
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Questions for the Comments:
Is discipleship truly optional in your church? If someone attended for a year without ever joining a small group or forming a deep relationship, would anyone notice—or would the system just keep rolling?
What would it look like for you to take personal ownership of the spiritual growth of specific people in your life this week?
Want to discuss these topics with other like-minded believers? We explore the theology of the Church, discipleship, and spiritual growth in our monthly Community Calls. It’s a great place to connect—upgrade to a paid subscription today to get access!
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In Christ,
Jake